Arise: Live Again!

Arise: Live Again!

Type :Personal Essay

Countries :Kenya

I got married an excited girl in August 2015. We looked forward to behold our many children. I wanted seven kids, my hubby wanted two. We finally came to a consensus of having four children. Immediately we got married, I got pregnant and the journey I had not known began. At 20 weeks, we chose to do a scan. The first sonographer referred us to her senior, something was amiss. It was an IUFD (Intra Uterine Fetal Death). We had lost our first girl.Came induction, followed vomiting. The cleaner did his work and threw that trash in a nearby waste bin. I delivered a baby size of a palm at midnight. The tall skinny dark nurse showed me, "See? It was a girl. Her cord has a knot". Unapologetically and inhumanely, he threw her into the bin. That dirty bin.The placenta did not come out. I was left in the room bleeding. My girl in the bin. Hubby came and asked if I had delivered.
"That bin right there,'' I replied, dangling helplessly on the edge of the bloody wet bed. I saw him rummaging through the bin trying to find her. It was a scary view. I bled gallons from 1A.M. to 8A.M; I felt my life slip away from the snare of death. Nightmares followed me after discharge. I would see the nurse throwing my baby in the bin. I was traumatized. Second pregnancy. I successfully carried her to term. She is a 3 year bubbly girl.
Hurray! Third pregnancy. At 24weeks we do the scan and huh! A boy. We get excited, BUT, he has an issue; his head. I go to a specialist at Aga Khan. This one was kind, gentle and yet very detailed.
"I do not sugarcoat. My dear, your baby has delayed growth. The head and the heart have an abnormality. It is not pleasing ". Another journey began. I formed a prayer group for baby Gift. I had not trusted God more before. I would go for a scan every Saturday. At one point, I was told the baby will most likely not survive after delivery and we had to terminate at 32weeks. I refused. Whose report are you gonna believe Ann? God's or Doc's? I chose former. Every time Gift kicked, I remembered he might live or not. I wondered if I was carrying a real human being from what I saw on the scans. They were horrifying. I thought they were describing a stone-like cabbage or gorilla in my womb. I mean, how can my baby have all those abnormalities. I travailed for this boy. I rode on my prayer group's faith.
At 40weeks, I got induced and delivered a healthy looking handsome baby boy. He cried a little, I was excited and fearful. I saw him cry. I saw him keep quiet. I prayed. This boy I had labored for. God you cannot allow this. I have trusted you. I have chosen to disregard Doc's report. Please let him live. And God was silent. The boy on my chest kept quiet. The nurses wrapped and gave him to me knowing his status too well. I felt him change from warm to cold. He became stiff. I wished I could share my breath with him, to make him live. He did not even suckle. I cried. I felt hopeless. I cuddled and kissed him hoping the motherly touch would resurrect him. My Gift was gone. I hated God, stopped praying and reading His Word. I just wanted to stay in my dark room with undrawn curtains. I would walk like a zombie and wear torn baggy trousers. I lost touch with the realities of life. Few months later, I conceived again. At 7 weeks, I started bleeding. My third loss came like lightning. My life felt broken.
My turning point came in July 2019. I resigned from work to get back to myself. I attended counseling with Still a Mum. I felt better and the desire to help bereaved parents was born. I would relate with the parents sharing their loss experiences. I realized that as a society there is much we need to do to mitigate this challenge and also help bereaved parents recover fast. Slowly, I started coming up. I learned to live a day at a time. I got to learn that it is okay not to be okay. I attended the Change to Excellence Academy and it is here that Sarah Munyi, my life coach told me to publicly share my story. I have chosen to be vulnerable with this story.
When people who have gone through loss get stuck, people around them get affected as well unknowingly. My greatest desire is to see people who have gone through loss, arising and living again. This way, even the people around will arise too. I want them to believe that despite the loss, they can rise again. The passions do not need to die, their dreams are achievable. God is at the center of that pain. He will help them come out victorious all for the glory of God. Some destinies get born through pain. I am currently pursuing my writing passion and it has helped me heal and celebrate life. I hope my story can inspire someone to arise and pursue that which they love doing.
Arise; Live Again!

<p>Arise: Live Again!</p>